The Drive Home (Richard and Rebecca)

[Akirapryde]

Richard was right, she wanted to tell him what she had done. God how she wanted him to know everything. Every emotion, everything she was feeling right this moment. How much she wanted tell him. Rebecca didn't realize that the tears were flowing freely from her eyes. 'How could I have betray him' Rebecca thought of what she had done to Richard. No more was this about Simon, it was what she had done to Richard. At the time she hadn’t thought of what she was doing. She was angry at Simon over how little Richard meant to Simon. But Richard was wrong in thinking she didn't want him to know. She wanted him to know. She needed him to know. She wasn't proud of what she had done. In fact, with each passing mile, the shame of her actions grew.

Richard was so worthy of their respect. For all that he had done for everyone, Richard was more than deserving. Anger flashed across her face as she remembered how easily Simon just walked away from Richard during his time of need. Simon didn’t even have the slightest care for his brother's fate. At the time, Rebecca was beside herself with fear and concern over what had happened to Richard. Even now, Rebecca felt so guilty. If she had been there, she could have protected him. But she wasn’t. Instead, she just played in to Simon's hand and left Richard vulnerable. The last time she saw Richard he was laying on the ground unconscious and helpless. When he needed her, she wasn't there to protect him. She wasn't there because Simon had told her to leave.

The more she thought about it, the more the guilt was overwhelming her. She didn’t feel guilty for betraying Simon. No, this guilt was from the fact that Richard trusted her to have his back and she betrayed that trust. She didn’t dare to turn and look at Richard. She didn’t have the courage to face him. She felt the moister on her face before she realized she was crying. ‘Why am I crying’ she wondered. Rebecca tried to clear her eyes, but the emotions of the situation forced more tears causing her vision to become limited.

Her ability to safely control the SUV was slipping away from her. In reaction she hit the brakes hard causing the large SUV to skid as the speed dropped drastically. Using the last of her emotional control, Rebecca guided the SUV over towards the side of the road. A passing car signaled its displeasure over the sudden change in travel through its horn. The SUV hit the side of the road as the car passed along the road side. The other car’s horn continued it passed them. Rebecca brought the SUV to a stop as sounds of small rocks rattling the undercarriage of the SUV. Rebecca didn’t let up on the brake till the SUV skidded to a stop.

As the tail lights of the passing car became a distant memory, as the SUV came to a stop along the dark road. Rebecca leaned forward resting her head on the stirring wheel. She fought to control her emotions as she drew in deep breaths. Rebecca was beside herself as she didn't know what to say or do anymore. She remembered that day when she first walked in to that warehouse. Across her memory were the images of Richard and his brother. Back then everything was so different. She was so different. Richard might want to argue it, but he was different too. Everything was different.

Sure Simon and she had their differences. Yeah he angered her, but she never really wanted him to be harmed. Now, his fate was all but sealed and it was her fault. The more she thought about it, the more she felt sick over her actions. ‘Why, why didn’t I just trust him’ Rebecca thought regarding of Richard. In that moment she leaned forward and rested her head on the stirring wheel trying to control her emotions.

Rebecca closed her eyes as she felt the tears flowing. She knew he was looking at her. She didn't have to see it, she just knew it. Just knowing that Richard was next to her seemed to give her a sense of comfort. Rebecca realized now that he was her rock. A place of confidence and strength that she could come to rely on. She whispered under her breath how much she wished she had realized this before tonight. She couldn’t deny how ashamed she was over what happened tonight. The anger of her mind tried to override her heart in claiming that Simon had it coming for his actions. But she wouldn’t deny herself the truth.

With her head on the stirring wheel, “I…….” she half whispered but stopped. It was if her own shame and guilt was strangling her and preventing her voice from coming forward. For as long as she had known Richard she knew that he hated wasting time with talk. He preferred to ‘just get to the bottom of it’. She now understood why he had such feelings. But it was so hard for her to even get a single word out of her mouth. She opened her mouth to speak only to have her voice betray her. She just set there with her head leaning on the stirring wheel as her mouth opened and closed.

Rebecca drew in a deep breath as her emotions continued to run high. She fought hard to control her emotions but there would be no relief from her shame, from her guilt. Tears dripped from her eyes as she spoke in a soft whisper, “Richard, I don’t deserve your trust.” Her voice trembled as she attempted to speak, “I………” Her voice once more trailed off and she fell silent for a moment. She wanted to tell him everything. She wanted to just confess what she had done, but she was ashamed of how she allowed her anger to control her actions once more. She had tried so hard to be the calm balanced person he suggested for her. But she couldn’t and in that admission, she once more had failed him.

Rebecca turned in the driver’s seat to face him. However, her guilt and shame was too much for her. She couldn’t raise her face to make eye contact with him. Her hand slipped across the seats towards his hand. She was shaking so hard that she barely had any control over her hand as it shook. Just as Rebecca’s hand was within touching range of Richard’s hand she stopped. She couldn’t cover the last of the distance. Her hand was shaking with fear.

The kind of fear that can paralyze a person. While she no longer felt she deserved his respect or trust, she respected him. She trusted him. The guilt of her betrayal of his trust was unbearable. Her mind raced with all that had happened. In her mind, she could see Simon’s anger filled face as he snapped on her for not eating that dang sandwich. In her mind’s eye could see Richard laying there helpless on his bed. Nearly the entire time, she stood by Richard’s side. She watched over him during the entire ordeal expect for the one moment Simon had tricked her one last time. Anger filled her mind as she knew that Simon didn’t even bother to check in with his wounded brother before walking away. Then the shame of what she had done filled her eyes. Her tears wouldn’t stop as she whimpered, “I am so sorry.” She didn’t have the strength to do or say anything else.